Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
