a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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