If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
