I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
