your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
