hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
