i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
