Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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