i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
