Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
