The maid of honor just puked.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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