Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
