I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
