A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think I won the penis lottery.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
