I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
