Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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