You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
