i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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