tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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