i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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