This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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