Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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