I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
