the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
