Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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