Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
