Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
