Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's shark week go big or go home
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
