I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
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