if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
