I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
