She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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