He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
