I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
