Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
