Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
