Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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