Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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