Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
