Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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