I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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