nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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