The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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