You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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