How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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