Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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