also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
