if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
as a side note pls kill me
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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