I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
