I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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