i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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