the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
