he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
