I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
